Yesterday I was filled with so many emotions–it’s interesting that I saw
John Hamm on a Sesame St. clip demonstrating emotions for Murray the muppet: guilt, frustration,awe.
I pass through these emotions on a daily basis John Hamm
but yesterday was different. It began with an ad Erin posted on Facebook for a job involving being on your feet over a hundred hours weekly,having degrees in finance, home economics, and psychology to name a few. It was for the position of “moms”. What was priceless was the reactions of the applicants…no pay..forget it! ad here
But it IS the thing in this life of which I am the most proud.So this picture that I came across when I looked through the wedding file it says it all to me. My middle brilliant, cerebral, handsome, caring, careful, ambitious, about to be a dad guy demonstrating his love for his bride; my beautiful, strong yet fragile, talented,ingenious, fearless, perfect best friend of a daughter;and my first born:entertainer from the start, empathetic, bright, driven, articulate, idealistic, humorous, songman..are all here in a candid shot. These three incredible humans are my life’s work. And that is complete. I have finished
my masterpieces. I guess the final strokes, chiseled touches,were applied on their graduation days from UNCSA, Ga Tech and Vanderbilt. But wait maybe it was on this wedding day when we gave Tim to Kate to have and to hold from that day forward —foot massages would now be hers. Maybe it was after Erin lay crumpled on her bed in a heap worn down by the rigors of job hunting and overstimulated by staring at the computer screen when she returned home to roost. Maybe it was on one of those days that I get a call from #1 son and he says Mom I just don’t know….I’m not sure…and I say you’ve got this Kyle!
So maybe I’m not done..maybe mom is a forever job..maybe I’m a forever mom.
Although I feel these young people are independent and and thriving I still answer to that call and to that “title”that should require degrees in finance and psychology and home economics because it does challenge me in all those areas just as
did the physical when it took shear willpower to stay the course when they were all babies and toddlers.
To stay the course 24×7 until such time as I could look upon a scene like the one in the pic and say Yes siree those are our kids and we done good!
Perhaps that is the root of my recent malaise that I feel done, not needed IRRELEVANT. That’s the word that filters through my head occasionally. I feel extraneous,immaterial,impertinent, not important to the current situation….because it’s true in regard to my mothering. I am not needed as a Mom anymore The job is done!
But I’ve been looking at that as a negative and starting today it’s a good thing! I’m actually taking advice from a brilliant young author, Hannah Brencher who I’ve been following for a few years now. She begs a young woman to be done with the word ” victim” (in her case). And now I am done with the label Irrelevant that I have given to myself. I’m okay without it. “I’m not destructive or a wrecking ball, I don’t need that word to keep me safe, sane, or tame”. As Hannah advises.
I might be better than okay when I throw out that word.
I am awake today and I realize how I was looking for a name, a handle to keep me from living my authentic life– a full life. I’ve got to break the chains through which I have manacled myself to keep me small and irrelevant, because they are just paper chains….so that’s it ….I made a paper chain link and I broke free of it…these hands can move mountains now! Hannah Brencher